Now, the average person would not ordinarily admit to worshipping Satan – but ask someone if they love cats – and it’s a completely different story. Little do you know they are one and the same.
Rooms explode with an onslaught of coos and awws the moment a cat enters. And why shouldn’t they – they’re cute as buttons, right? Wrong.
That, dear human, is your mind being infected by a demonic parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. If you call your feline fiend your “fur baby” and regularly update the world with photos of it as if it were the Egyptian Bastet herself, then you’re probably more possessed than you thought.
Before you protest your cat’s innocence; wailing “Not my Smudge!” from the top of your lungs and showering your Hell spawn with treats, read the following warning signs. If your kitty ticks the boxes, it’s time to call the priest…
17. Shoving Their Butt-Hole In Your Face
It may surprise you when lovely little Oscar jumps up for a petting session, turns around, and presents you with his unholy ring. We lie to ourselves, convinced they’re merely showing that they trust and love us by putting themselves in a vulnerable position.
Sorry to burst your kitty bubble, but this is actually the “All-Seeing Eye” – and whatever you do, you must never look into it.
16. The Random Sprint They Do Out Of The Room
You may think your kitty has lost it when they suddenly scramble across floor boards and dart through the air wildly – and then stop as if nothing has happened.
This is merely an unsuccessful effort to take your life, and you glanced in their direction at just the right moment. Next time, you might not be so lucky.
15. They Sabotage Your Christmas Tree Every Single Year
Oh, you plan to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, human? I will destroy everything you love.
14. They Can Hear A Tin Of Tuna Being Opened From Miles Away
When you’ve been thrown alive into a burning lake of sulphur, anything can happen. In the Devil’s case, it heightened his sense of smell – particularly the smell of death.
13. Their Only Weakness Is The Red Dot
That isn’t just a red dot. That is a portal to Hell.
12. Sleeping On Your Laptop
Any chance of you communicating with the outside world is strictly off-limits. Think about it, if you were Satan, biding your time on Earth in cat-form and preparing to destroy over the world; would you really want a stupid human sharing a million photos of you on Facebook?
Plus, how else is the Dark Lord going to get his message over to the rest of the world?
11. They’re Obsessed With Your Shoes
It appears your cat’s favourite place to lie is right on top of your shoes, but why do they do this? It’s apparently due to the fact your shoes carry the scent of you, in turn bringing comfort to your feline – but this is exactly what they want you to think.
There’s two reasons for this unusual behaviour:
1. Your cat is preventing you from leaving the house any way they can.
2. It’s a metaphorical warning for “YOUR SOLE IS MINE”.
10. They Lure You In With Their Whole Cute Act…
The master of deceit is quite aware of humans innate tendency to lavish attention on adorable looking kitties, and, while they do genuinely love being pampered, this is mainly just to get you at a close proximity for the action that follows…
9. And Then Reveal The Beast At The Last Minute
Love me, stroke me, pet me… all so I can viciously attack your face or grasp your caring hand with my claws of darkness. Muhahahaha!
8. Your Feet Are Forever Being Attacked
There will be no running away when I rule this world.
Remember the late Middle Ages, where cats were burned by humans for their association with witches? Satan hasn’t forgotten.
7. They Ignore You. A Lot.
Why do they hate you when you show them nothing but love? The answer is simple – evil.
6. They Watch You While You Sleep
How much more proof do you need that they are plotting your demise? If humans did this it would be tremendously creepy – in fact they’d probably be arrested.
5. They Vomit Fur Balls
Submit to God! Resist the devil and he will flee from you! Fur balls are basically the bi-product of an adverse reaction to anything holy. Ever seen “The Exorcist” where Regan projectile vomits neon-green sludge over the priest? Well, it’s a bit like that. Your cat is basically roaring the curses of Lucifer.
4. They Bring You Sacrifices
“Human, since you seem to be a fairly awful hunter, I have brought you this mouse so it may sustain you and stave off starvation.” – what you think they’re saying.
What they’re actually saying is: “YOU’RE NEXT.”
3. They Spend A Little Longer Than Necessary Shovelling Their Litter Tray
No matter how clean it is, no matter how much clean litter is inside, your cat will spend a worryingly amount of time digging, both before and after doing his business.
Why do they do this? It’s all practice… for burying your body.
2. The Kneading Ritual
The happier your cat is, the harder they’ll dig in with their claws; and this kneading process is apparently their way of returning the love when you’re petting them.
“How adorable!” you squeal through clenched teeth, as your kitty fixedly stares whilst sadistically feeling around for the internal organs it plans to rip out first.
1. Their True Demon Form Is Revealed In Photographs
When are you going to see it? It’s staring you right in the face; and instead of exorcising the ghastyl demon within, you show it off to the world.
No normal creature would emit such an unnatural glare through darkness (unless they were eternally damned, of course) and yet we keep them in our homes. We worship them, whilst they silently forge a plan to destroy us all and take over the world. God help us all.
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